In December, I picked Sharon Van Etten’s Seventeen as my track of 2019. It’s essentially a reflective letter to her younger teenage-self, and, given that we’re about to head into a new decade, I thought I’d follow suit. Let’s see how this goes…
To Alex, aged 19 and three-quarters
Hey, you’re probably hungover, stressing about an essay, or procrastinating by daydreaming about the future. Likely all three. That’s fine, but open another can of full-fat Coke (I know you still hate coffee at this stage, believe me that will change), because this might actually be of use. Yes, you can keep the music on.
From my desk now, a decade ago is hard to remember in detail. It’s a flash of memories, club lights and friends. What remains vivid are your emotions: A burning ambition to live life against a galling fear of failure. A want to prove yourself and, somewhere within that, beat your disability - whatever that means.
What you don’t realise is that you’re still competing with others, as well as yourself, and the double-burden is a heavy load. The outward confidence of many still rattles you. Those who shout loudest dominate your surroundings. You feel your university is a conveyor belt where vulnerability is deemed weakness. Three months from now you’ll look at your paralyzingly long reading list and suddenly none of the words will make sense. You’ll think you’re going mad, your mind swimming. You’ll beg to leave, protesting that you’re too far behind, when in reality nothing has gone wrong. Still, the fear grips. You tell everyone you’re going to defer for the year - take a break. You heard someone did that once.
Dad, on the other hand, tells you to pull yourself together - literally by the collar – during an enforced weekend home. Necessary tough love. You return to campus on Monday much to the gentle amusement of your friends. You don’t set the world on fire that term but you don’t fail either. The world doesn’t end.
You might not recognise it, but this is an important moment: you begin to live by your own barometer of success and failure. This isn’t a lowering of standards, far from it - simply a measure of control – often you push yourself further because of this.
And what of your friends? In love life, or whatever else, follow this simple rule: if it’s too much like hard work and you’re giving more of yourself than the other side, drop that relationship.
As supposed friends persistently try to bring you down without explanation, realise the problem is theirs not yours. Jealousy and envy is rife – stop trying to justify it, or worse, look inward for your own failings as explanation. You are being manipulated. It is a toxic form of attempted control. Kill it.
The same goes for people who use you solely for emotional support. You have a big heart, but protect yourself and make sure it’s put to good use. You’ll see what I mean.
Keep close the people who value you, have been there for you and put you at ease. Trust if you feel a spark. You speak less to some friends these days, mainly thanks to distance, but it doesn’t matter because the connection remains as strong. The same goes for your ‘carers’ - most become lifelong friends after their year with you!
Similarly, never be ashamed of what you love. Write about your passions – from politics to culture. Continue to go to gigs and clubs throughout the decade, whatever some might say.
I know you’ll laugh, but The Libertines reunite next summer (get tickets to Reading you idiot, Pete’s still at his best). A few years on and you’ll not only meet them but have your work shared on their social media accounts. So, keep drinking-in new bands, sounds and music knowledge. People will begin to sit up and listen – if only in part because you won’t shut up with your opinions.
Starting your career as a journalist won’t be easy, but all these experiences will pay off when things break. Trust me, I won’t jinx it, but watch Kevin and Perry Go Large. You’ll finally get to live it. Twice. That said, Tash will (rightly) mock you mercilessly for comments you make in a radio interview. Yes, really.
But how do you manage all this with the wheelchair I hear you ask. What about the disability?! Well, as a certain Liam continues to sing, “I need to be myself, I can't be no one else”. Keep living by your personality and eventually people will realise you’re taking the chair places, rather than it taking you.
You’ll learn that living with your disability will go from your biggest vulnerability to your greatest strength.
Time is almost up. The football’s on. As I enter a new decade, the fear of failure has subsided, but the hunger remains, the challenge now is to push myself again. My own goals, no-one else’s. And only you know how big they are.
P.S. Looking back you missed out big time on certain opportunities…make your heart available. It’ll help by the summer.
